There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says "That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.” His wife gets a confused look on her face and states "but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep." Her husband says "Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!"
A couple come across a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns. The husband says, ‘Wow! It really works!’
Husband to wife: Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter? Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died, would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I am sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she is left handed."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus"
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: "What are you doing dear?" Husband: "Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females." Wife: "How on earth do you know which gender they were?" Husband: "Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone."
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
If You Have Any Doubts/Suggestions, Please Let Me Know.