A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him. The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers: “Sure, why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer. He turns to the farmer and says: “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right,” says the farmer. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.” He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the farmer says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?” “You’re a politician,” says the farmer. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. “This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said: “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said. “I haven’t received my pension cheque yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy 25 cents?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for 25 cents, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace.
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."
There was a poor old cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time the gentleman would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a piece of blue cheese while smelling the wonderful scents coming from the restaurant’s kitchen. One morning, the man was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”. Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them. The manager said: “You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The man refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said: “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.” The judge turned to the man and said: “What do you have to say to that?” The old man didn’t say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him: “What is the meaning of that?” The man replied with a wide grin: “I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”
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