A young man and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young man are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young man sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said: “The parrot to the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered. The owner replied: “Well, it knows how to use a computer.” The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the online operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. “That one costs $2,000.” “And what does that one do?” the man asked. The owner replied: “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: “And what if I swallow it?” “No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Bob was in trouble. He forgot it was Valentine’s Day. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there." The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the scene. The carpenter replied: “Twenty-seven metres, six and a half centimetres.” “What? How come you are so sure of that distance?” asked the lawyer. “Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me, so I measured it!”
A man was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured: “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said: “You’re cute.” “What happened to ‘beautiful?'” she asked him. “The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.
A company owner was being evaluated by a HR officer. Upon arrival at the office, the officer noticed every single worker was in the office before their shift even started. He approached the boss and asked: “Tell me, how do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?” He smiled and replied: “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says: “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.” A fellow at the front of the crowd asks: “When did that happen?” “1215,” answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says: “Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!”
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother: “Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.” The mother exclaimed: “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn’t do?” The little girl replied: “My homework.”
A man phones a lawyer and asks: “How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?” The lawyer replies: “A thousand dollars.” “A thousand dollars!” exclaims the man. “That’s very expensive isn’t it?” “It certainly is,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
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